“What the hell is this? Some quadfurcated glass cylinder of death and maiming? Do I have to wait for safety? Does safety only come after an infuriating passage of time?” “Yesssss… [beat] Noooo… Man! Very nice! Works every time.!” Lots of … Continue reading →
I’ve just come back from watching a local dance company’s annual performance. As usual, the only people in attendance are relatives and friends of the dancers along with a small handful of pedophiles who, apparently, are the ones who keep … Continue reading →
Sammy Hagar famously professed an inability to maintain a driving speed of 55 miles per hour. According to Mr. Hagar,
When I drive that slow, you know it’s hard to steer
And I can’t get my car out of second gear
What used to take two hours now takes all day
Huh, it took me sixteen hours, get to L.A.
I think that Mr. Hagar’s difficulty relegating himself to a speed under a-mile-a-minute is rooted in math. Some years ago, I found myself mired in a daily commute of about 85 miles each way. Luckily, traffic wasn’t bad during my travel times and almost all of the driving was on the highway, so I found that I could make the trip in about 90 minutes or less. My old car came with a feature that allowed me to get various mileage-related readouts. I found that I got about 20 miles per gallon if I drove quickly but could get about 25 mpg if I drove under 60 miles an hour. But when I bought a Smart Car, I decided that I’d do my best to get the best mileage possible.
My trip includes almost exactly 75 miles of highway driving. If I do that part of the drive at the never-ticketed speed of 74 mph, then the highway stretch takes just over an hour. Driving that part at 60 mph adds 15 minutes to the trip, but it saves a tremendous amount of gasoline. If you make that trip five days a week, as I do, then the increased miles-per-gallon quickly add up. Even tho my car is rated for 41 mpg on the highway, I’ve been able to average 46.1 mpg since I got the car (I’ve kept track of every tankful since Day 1). During the course of a year, and at about $4 per gallon, this means that I’m saving about $350 if I can drive 10% more efficiently and about $700 if I can drive 20% more efficiently.
In the three-plus years I’ve had the car, that means I’ve saved nearly $3,000 on gas. I’ve also spewed that many fewer gallons of gasoline into the environment. Yes, I can definitely drive 55. (Actually, I try to average about 53 miles per hour. It’s also a lot safer.)
My brother and I came up with the two-year rule when we were kids: Anything horrendous that we did — and there wasn’t much, thankfully — we could tell our mom two years later with no repercussions. After all, anything … Continue reading →
Hey! Look at that person! Do you know that person? It doesn’t matter. Are they gaining weight? Going bald? Going gray? Sweaty? Point it out to them! RIGHT AWAY, THEY ARE PROBABLY UNAWARE! Look! Another person! Is their hair shorter … Continue reading →
Nipples. “Nips” to their intimates. Everyone loves them. Or, at least, has them. They’re great, right? And pretty too. Unlike earlobes or nostrils, which are disgusting to behold and can’t look worse. That was a lie. But they can’t look better, … Continue reading →
There’s a time and a place and an order for everything. When and where you decide to teach your kids about cursing is up to you. Some parents will mistakenly attempt to keep their kids from ever hearing certain words … Continue reading →
There you are on the train platform, waiting to be whisked away from the dreary wasteland that was your just-completed workday to the comforts of your humble abode. Or to a bar. Whichever. Suddenly, your purse shudders in orgasmic delight, … Continue reading →
I was on the frontline of cool this weekend at Middle of the Map Fest in Kansas City; here are the hot fashion trends I observed among the young and determinedly disaffected: IN: Large floral prints that your Grandma would … Continue reading →
Today is Easter Monday. “Is that a thing?” Fuck if I know, do I look like I’m addicted to Cathahol? No, seriously. But do I look like a guy with a degree in Religious Studies? Yes. Unless I’m wearing a … Continue reading →