I love listening to music in languages other than my own, mostly because I’m fascinated to hear how they are constructed and how they flow, as well as how artists fit them into song. As a result, my music library … Continue reading
You mean well. Probably. But you sound like an asshole. The busboy looks Hispanickish, so when he pours you some water or clears the bread plates, you say, “Gracias.” Totally normal, right? It’s the language he speaks and all. Probably. … Continue reading
There’s a time and a place and an order for everything. When and where you decide to teach your kids about cursing is up to you. Some parents will mistakenly attempt to keep their kids from ever hearing certain words … Continue reading
It is a perplexing question, “What, you think your shit don’t stink?” I’ll be honest with you, person, I don’t. I really don’t think my shit stink. What, you think your shit do stink? Because, again, I’ll be honest with … Continue reading
Interrobang? That sounds sxarcy! That’s a poorman’s portmanteau (poorman’steau?) of “scary” and “sexy”. And, like most poorman’steaux, it’s strangely prophetically accurate. An interrobang is the world’s sexiest punctuation mark. “What?” You clumsily ask? Ha, where’s the urgency? “What!” you exclaim? … Continue reading
So, you hit the spacebar after a long day at Spacely Space Sprockets before you inevitably get home and get on a crazy thing before Jane finally gets you off it. Or, you hit the spacebar twice after a period. In … Continue reading
As you already know, I’m a Scrabble maven. I’m not particularly good at crossword puzzles (they require specialized knowledge and have many non-Scrabble answers, like Djibouti). And I’ve never been a big follower of pop culture. Yet somehow, I have … Continue reading
Are you ready for it? Look closely: See it? Their name is “N.W.A” — without a period after the A! Whaaa… That, of course, makes no sense. Sure, it was an era of confusing ideas about “hood spelling”, I mean, … Continue reading
The only thing that ranks with (or rankles as much as) mindless compliments mindless blessing. Let’s say I have to sneeze suddenly on the bus. I try to keep it quiet so as not to disturb everyone. Invariably, however, someone … Continue reading
Scene: Local playground, lovely weather. Children playing in the sandbox.
Players: Several children, some parents, a grandmother, and Voice of Society Man (my alter-ego, who says the things that need to be said)
Grandmother (voice an octave higher than usual): Charlotte want snacky? Snacky? Juice juice?
Charlotte stares up blankly.
Voice of Society Man (to Grandmother): Engwish first wanguage?
Grandmother stares up blankly.
Voice of Society Man: You want Charlotte grow up speak nice nice? You under impression children not process language unless speak to them like Tarzan?
Really, folks. The literature’s been available for years, decades maybe. Children learn grammar and vocabulary despite your attempts to speak to them like an idiot. Plus it drives me crazy, and I’m not the only one — just the one who’s not afraid to speak up about it.
Sowwy for intwuding on your day. Cawwy on.