I take it back, Miley Cyrus. You are a taffeta’d goon and you are trying to ruin my life. Why won’t you shut your mouth? that lipsticked metaphorical manifestation of the fearsome vagina dentata, such as it is.
I WILL MAKE YOU EAT SOME GODDAMN BREAD IF I GET A HOLD OF YOU.
I will tear the bread to pieces and roll it up into a ball so that it loses its airiness and becomes like a giant grossly dense yet arid tapioca bead and I will throw it into your mouth. And you will eat it even though it is now a grossly dense bread ball, because otherwise I will force you to watch the pornographic video that I “found” depicting your father, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Hillary Duff performing sex acts together on the set of Hannah Montana while producing an astonishingly haunting rendition of Achy Breaky Heart.*
If statistics are to be believed, and they are, because they are statistics, then only about 10% of the population actually lives with any kind of gluten sensitivity, and only 1% of the population actually has celiac.
I, however, should not believe this, because all the anecdotal evidence points to the fact that 1 in 3 people suffer from some sort of gluten sensitivity because 1 in fucking 3 people tell me that on a nightly MOTHERFUCKING basis at the restaurant in which I wait tables.
I have not yet discerned an answer to my question of whether or not these people are conflating weight gain from eating too much bread with an actual sensitivity. Well, I have, that is what most of them are doing, but they won’t answer me, those rude-ass people.
And Miley Cyrus, you are not helping. You are only hurting. And so you are on the SHIT LIST. See?
The official Sink the Boat SHIT LIST:
- Miley Cyrus
I lived through the Appletini-pocalypse of the late 90′s, propagated by the awfulness of Sex and the City. You know what we had to do back then? We had to make sure we knew what those women were drinking on a weekly basis so we’d know if we needed any special liquors. Do you have any idea what that is like? It is really fucking annoying, that is what it is like. And that is exactly what you are doing. You are perpetuating some bullshit here, Miley.
Actually, now I’m adding Sex and the City to the SHIT LIST.
The official Sink the Boat SHIT LIST:
- Miley Cyrus
- Sex and the City
There. You happy, Miley Cyrus? What? I didn’t hear you. I said, are you happy that you are now on the SHIT LIST that is, for now, comprised of you and a show that inspired a bunch of middle-aged ladies to destroy their hair with bleach and wear too much gold jewelry and buy sequined dresses and shoes they can’t walk in and get self-defeating plastic surgery? You are now on a list that smells a little bit like lavender sachets (old lady smell).
*This is a lie. No such footage exists.
